Too close

I hate you. Or I want to hate you, but I can't because everything you are now is because of me and what I did. I just didn't realise it until today.

I'm sorry for walking away. I used to apologise for not being enough but I've grown since then so I'm gonna apologise for not realising that I was always enough. I'm sorry for the things I said- I hope that whatever else you think of me, you know none of this was true. I'm sorry for letting what we had go, all because I was scared.

It's funny, sometimes I can go weeks without thinking of you and other times you're constantly on my mind. I was trying on dresses the other day and it was like you were this inner voice offering your opinion as much as I tried to shut it up. Remember the red dress you hated so much.. Remember what happened to it? I nearly bought another one I knew you wouldn't have liked.. And then I wondered why it even mattered so much and bloody ended up sobbing over it. I wanted to hate you then too.

I'm not in love with you anymore, don't get me wrong. That ship sailed a long time ago and I don't know that I could love the person you are now. I know you're not supposed to admit this, but I actually do regret us now.. But only because it hurts. I think the thing I miss the most is our friendship..

You were right. We could have been great - we could have been more than great but I wasn't ready and by the time I was it was too late. We weren't on the same page anymore. And I was honestly okay with that because we wouldn't make things work now. It's been too long.

I'm sorry we fought today. I honestly want you to be happy, but just.. Not with her. Because she's my family, and she knows our history. I cried on her when it all fell apart, when I fucked it up. She tried to convince me to try again, but I bet you know that.
I don't love you, but I can't bear to see the two of you because when I do, I see us.