Here we go Lucie-Lu ;)

It’s been three years and two days since we lost you, and about eighteen months since your family finally got you the justice you deserved. I think to everyone else that felt a lot like closure – it gave them the peace of mind they needed in order to be able to move on. I wish I could say it did the same for me, but the truth is I still miss you every single goddamn day and it really doesn’t feel like I’ve come very far.

You’d probably be really surprised to learn that none of us even talk anymore. The last time I saw Jay was the day after your funeral, and honestly she was that much of a wreck, I’m not even sure she realised. It was hard for us all, but at the time she seemed to take it the worst. I wish I could have been there for her. I wish she’d have let me, and for purely selfish reasons at that – that it wouldn’t feel like I was going through this on my own. You’d be so proud of her though, because by all accounts she’s really managed to turn her life around.

Kimba and I actually did talk for a while – especially while the trial was going on, and I don’t know how I would have got through it without her – but this past year or so, I know she’s been going through a rough time. Her parents finally got divorced, and we were both gutted when they sold the house, for the insane amount of childhood memories that place held. It made me smile to see that our 6 year old footprints are still on the drive though, because they never quite got around to re-doing the concrete.

I can’t believe it’s your 21st birthday today. If I know you, being as alike as we are I’m sure you’d be making some comment about how bloody old and boring you’d become – which I’d turn around and tell you was complete and utter bullshit. However old you got you’d still be the life and soul of any shindig. What happened to partying away in our wheelchairs when we’re like 90, eh?

I had a drink for you on Saturday, though you’d be disappointed at how tame it was. We were planning on making a night of it… but I had one vodka and coke and came home because I really couldn’t face it. You'd never let me get away with that if you were here and you'd probably accuse me of being no fun. The thing is I know you're right. I don't feel like I'm fun to be around anymore but equally I can't seem to let people in.

I’m gonna leave it here, because it’s becoming depressing and making me too sad. I’d say sleep tight beautiful, but we both know sleep is for losers ;) So instead, you’d better be doing us proud up there and hosting one of those legendary bashes. And that is an order missy, so don’t even think about disobeying it.

Happy birthday Lucie-Lu,

I love you.

(PS: I’m sorry for all of the mushy shit. And as if i'd forget the nickname.You’d probably hate it, but tough shit :p)