A walk down memory lane..

So I was having a tidy up when I came across some old photos. I remember putting them away because there was a time I couldn't look at them. It still hurts now. 14th February 2008.

That day is one I know will stay with me forever.. The getting up crazy early, the way my best friend Jess and I ended up sat in the boot of the land rover casually waving at random people in cars and buying Heat magazine at Kings Cross station because "the song told us to."

It's one I'll remember for all of the wrong reasons too though, and I don't think I'll ever be able to hear Wonderwall without thinking of you. Because that trip was the last time we were all together and when I look at the photos it still doesn't seem real that you're not here anymore.

I remember exactly where I was when I found out, because things had been weird all day. There was something we weren't being told, we all knew it. Then Katie showed us the damn newspaper. You were all over page 2 and I'm sure you'd have loved the attention.. I didn't believe it at first. You were vibrant, over confident and your love of life, always infectious. How could you be gone?

I remember us having to discuss replacing you, because the group couldn't run without a young leader. None of us wanted that. They asked me but I never could've done it like you and I wouldn't have wanted to. But the group disbanded after that although I'm pretty sure you'd have wanted us to continue because I know it was your life.

I just miss you, and I wish I could tell you that you're the reason I got my shit together and that you made me see what life could be if I gave it a chance. Love you Clairebear ❤

Here we go Lucie-Lu ;)

It’s been three years and two days since we lost you, and about eighteen months since your family finally got you the justice you deserved. I think to everyone else that felt a lot like closure – it gave them the peace of mind they needed in order to be able to move on. I wish I could say it did the same for me, but the truth is I still miss you every single goddamn day and it really doesn’t feel like I’ve come very far.

You’d probably be really surprised to learn that none of us even talk anymore. The last time I saw Jay was the day after your funeral, and honestly she was that much of a wreck, I’m not even sure she realised. It was hard for us all, but at the time she seemed to take it the worst. I wish I could have been there for her. I wish she’d have let me, and for purely selfish reasons at that – that it wouldn’t feel like I was going through this on my own. You’d be so proud of her though, because by all accounts she’s really managed to turn her life around.

Kimba and I actually did talk for a while – especially while the trial was going on, and I don’t know how I would have got through it without her – but this past year or so, I know she’s been going through a rough time. Her parents finally got divorced, and we were both gutted when they sold the house, for the insane amount of childhood memories that place held. It made me smile to see that our 6 year old footprints are still on the drive though, because they never quite got around to re-doing the concrete.

I can’t believe it’s your 21st birthday today. If I know you, being as alike as we are I’m sure you’d be making some comment about how bloody old and boring you’d become – which I’d turn around and tell you was complete and utter bullshit. However old you got you’d still be the life and soul of any shindig. What happened to partying away in our wheelchairs when we’re like 90, eh?

I had a drink for you on Saturday, though you’d be disappointed at how tame it was. We were planning on making a night of it… but I had one vodka and coke and came home because I really couldn’t face it. You'd never let me get away with that if you were here and you'd probably accuse me of being no fun. The thing is I know you're right. I don't feel like I'm fun to be around anymore but equally I can't seem to let people in.

I’m gonna leave it here, because it’s becoming depressing and making me too sad. I’d say sleep tight beautiful, but we both know sleep is for losers ;) So instead, you’d better be doing us proud up there and hosting one of those legendary bashes. And that is an order missy, so don’t even think about disobeying it.

Happy birthday Lucie-Lu,

I love you.

(PS: I’m sorry for all of the mushy shit. And as if i'd forget the nickname.You’d probably hate it, but tough shit :p)

Just.. Live?

Look at yourself in the mirror... go on. Take a good long look at yourself. You're beautiful and you can be anything you want to be. You can do anything, go anywhere. The possibilities are endless so dream big and be open-minded. Don't let fear stand in the way. It's your life, so learn to live it on your terms. Stand for something, even if it means you stand alone.

Change the things you can. Change your attitude towards the things you can't. Cry, because sometimes it helps, but know when to let go too. Don't cling onto memories because you're afraid of who you'll be without them; start making new ones instead. Let go of today and focus on tomorrow, because what's done is done.

Don't take yourself too seriously all the time. Turn the radio up and sing your heart out. Do the crazy things you've never dared to do before. And laugh a lot. Smile even if you don't feel like it, because things can always be worse. Stay up all night and watch the sunrise, because often it's the little things we can take the most pleasure from. Learn to appreciate them, and to stop taking life for granted. Someone somewhere would give anything to trade places with you.

When things gets tough instead of sitting inside watching the storm from the window and waiting for it to pass, why not start learning to dance in the rain? Start doing all those little things you plan on getting around to 'one day.' Make that day today, because tomorrow isn't a guarantee; we never know how much time we've got left. So why not just live?

Too close

I hate you. Or I want to hate you, but I can't because everything you are now is because of me and what I did. I just didn't realise it until today.

I'm sorry for walking away. I used to apologise for not being enough but I've grown since then so I'm gonna apologise for not realising that I was always enough. I'm sorry for the things I said- I hope that whatever else you think of me, you know none of this was true. I'm sorry for letting what we had go, all because I was scared.

It's funny, sometimes I can go weeks without thinking of you and other times you're constantly on my mind. I was trying on dresses the other day and it was like you were this inner voice offering your opinion as much as I tried to shut it up. Remember the red dress you hated so much.. Remember what happened to it? I nearly bought another one I knew you wouldn't have liked.. And then I wondered why it even mattered so much and bloody ended up sobbing over it. I wanted to hate you then too.

I'm not in love with you anymore, don't get me wrong. That ship sailed a long time ago and I don't know that I could love the person you are now. I know you're not supposed to admit this, but I actually do regret us now.. But only because it hurts. I think the thing I miss the most is our friendship..

You were right. We could have been great - we could have been more than great but I wasn't ready and by the time I was it was too late. We weren't on the same page anymore. And I was honestly okay with that because we wouldn't make things work now. It's been too long.

I'm sorry we fought today. I honestly want you to be happy, but just.. Not with her. Because she's my family, and she knows our history. I cried on her when it all fell apart, when I fucked it up. She tried to convince me to try again, but I bet you know that.
I don't love you, but I can't bear to see the two of you because when I do, I see us.

A love letter, of sorts.

There are so many things I wish I could say to you, but that i'll probably never have the (metaphorical) balls to do so because really, that's not who we are. I feel so stupid for not figuring it out sooner and I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened but the truth is I fell in love with you. I know you know but I don't think you understand. I love you so much it hurts. So there you have it.

I didn't mean to fall for you, it's why i'm so mad at myself right now. It's just something that happened - it seems like it was always there and I just want you so badly. It's not even purely a physical thing (although all the flirting and innuendo do nothing for my self-control) and I can't deny I think of you in that way. But you make me smile so much, and everything always seems better when you're around. I don't know what my life would be without you..

It's ridiculous how speaking to you makes my day but lately ever since I worked out how I feel I seem to be finding a million and one reasons to be jealous over you, even though I know I have no right whatsoever. And to be honest it's driving me crazy and making me miserable at the same time.

I can't do this. I don't know how to do this. I find it so hard to be around you anymore without crossing lines and I feel like all I'm doing at the moment is pushing you away. I'm so sorry for that but if we're going to still be friends I need to get over you. Otherwise I'm scared of how badly i'm going to fuck things up.

I hate what you do to me. I hate that i can't even tell you any of this.. because it's just one of those things we seem to brush over. I hate that I'm keeping this from you because I don't like not telling you the truth. I hate that you're constantly on my mind, but I love it at the same time - I even had a goddamn dream about you last night. Most of all I hate that I love you, and that I'll never be able to love you in the way I want.